truth is, I'm afraid to keep up with these things.
To write poems and journals, stories these days...means touching a part of myself I seem to have spent thae last few months (get real D, the last few years) trying to ignore. Pain...it's always there in one way or another...but how I deal with it when I deal with it is what makes me me....cause I'm starting to realize that the rest of the time...I really am just dead.

I am lookking for another place to stay as Princess Cocoa will be headed overseas in the coming months. I am trying to get off my ass to get legal things in order. I already know it won't happen soon. She's moved on...I am leaving, but I think the procrastination is healthy and normal. You shouldn't rush the destruction and breakdown of an entire lifetime of possibilities and dreams you will never get to see fulfilled, wasted arguments, and wasted tears, smiles, and other...stuff....it's just bad taste to me. Then also...I think perhaps it's time I do.

Soon hopefully I will be in possession of another camera, and I hear rumors that next year they will once again be producing film for poloroid cameras. I am excited, because there are art dealings that I wish to do that specifically call for the use of my poloroid, which was a gift from a friend I no longer have.

I'm still heavily contemplating this vegetarian thing. I will need to do more research as that will help with my decision, and grocery list. I am running again, and playing more guitar. Holding Haseo feels so much more natural now than it ever did before. I must admit, before it felt very awkward, and I even considered playing guitar again, but with bass, I feel I really have made a good life decision.

As of late, I honestly I feel I have been making quite a few of those..."good life decisions."

I love some of you, and to the rest...take care.

DAMN YOU

1. Post these rules.
2. Each tagged person must post 10 things about themselves on their journal.
3. At the end, you have to choose and tag 10 or more people and post their icons on the same journal.
4. Go to their pages and send a message saying you tagged them.
________

1. My favorite Christmas movie is: A Muppet Christmas Carol

2. The thing I want most for Christmas is: financial stability..?

3. What I like most about Christmas is: the money I get for working long hours and the food people cook in celebration..?

4. My favorite Christmas food is: Ham

5. My favorite Christmas song is: "Santa Clause Go Straight to the Ghetto"

6. I shop in person or on-line for the people on my Xmas list: I'm usually broke, but in person I suppose.

7. The person easiest to shop for is: my mom I suppose. Though I can never seem to afford it, I know what she wants.

8. The person hardest to shop for is: I'm fairly good at gift giving actually...

9. What's your favorite store to shop at for the Holidays?: trinket and gift shops and bookstores

10. What was your favorite Christmas tradition when you were young?: the Midnight opening of presents and picture taking...heh...but that was all o so long ago...

and so...I shal tag:

So here's a bit...

Divorce is painstakingly awful...(as I'm sure some of you know...) and I'm finding it quite difficult to ajust to all that is, and there is no good reason to go outside anymore; Plus, it is getting cold.

Pink Floyd is like Lays potato chips. You can't have just one...I've NEVER just listened to ONE Pink Floyd song at a time...I don't think it's possible.

Dr. Who...YAY!!! (What else is there to say on that subject.)

Can't wait for the SCREAM 2009 awards to come on tonight. The year before last I missed them as I was sharing a rather inappropriate kiss with someone I most likely should not have been kissing in a rather dank and dirty laundry room (Regrets...NONE. She was an amazing kisser.) and last year, I simply did not have cable. Things like this excite me.

There are some very pretty things and people on this planet...however, they are just nice to look at, and good for subjects.

I discovered an amazing talent for song writing in my bandmate recently. I am all aflitter. (it's a word...yep.)

I need a new camera.

I have been writing very much lately.

stolen from a fellow CAP

A
- Available: sigh...yep.
- Age: 22
- Annoyance: ignorant folks and liars
- Allergic: nothing I know of...
- Animal: I like cats
- Actor: Kat Dennings makes my heart swell.
B
- Beer: used to ease the pain
- Birthday: December 22nd 1986
- Best Friend: that bottles been empty for awhile
- Body Part on opposite/same sex: stomachs and thighs
- Blind or Deaf: love makes you blind
- Best weather: fall
- Been in Love: hurts
- Been bitched about?: well, I do have a quota to meet apparently
- Been on stage?: yes...better parts of my life
- Believe in yourself?: when the moment calls
- Believe in life on other planets: ofcourse. to think we're it is just damn ignorant.
- Believe in miracles: the microwave is a miracle. yes...yes I do.
- Believe in Magic: it's all around us.
- Believe in God: yes
- Believe in Satan: yes
- Believe in Santa: yes
- Believe in Ghosts/spirits: yes
- Believe in Evolution: yes

C
- Car: eventually
- Candy: try not to, but I do indulge my cravings on occassion
- Cake or pie: pie

D
- Day or Night: night
- Dream vehicle: mazda or old school mustang
- Danced: only when no ones looking
- Dance in the rain?: in my heart
- Dance in the middle of the street?: in my head

E
- Eggs: really runny
- Eyes: dark and sad
- Everyone has: choices
- Ever failed a class?: yep

F
- First crush: Micaela Smith. 2nd Grade.
- Full name: Deondre Lemar Holmes
- First thoughts waking up: what time is it?
- Food: doesn't seem necessary these days

G
- Greatest Fear: failure
- Gum: I get too imaptient with it.
- Get along with your parents?: I try

H
- Hair color: growing
- Height: 5'5
- Happy: was
- Holidays: remind you of failure and loneliness
- How do you want to die: quickly and as soon as possible
- Hate: Myself.

I
Idiot: honestly, don't think I've ever used that word.

J
- Jewelry: ...
- Job: ...

K
- Kids: ...
- Kickboxing or karate: kickboxing
- Keep a journal?: yeah

L
- Longest Car Ride: 19 hours
- Love: music
- Letter: write em. never send em.
- Laughed so hard you cried: can't remember
- Love at first sight: show me a lil attention, it happens

M
- Milk flavor: banana
- Movie: Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind
- Mooned anyone?: yes, and was afterwards bitten, and then there was sex.
- Marriage: ...
- Motion sickness?: sometimes
- McD's or BK: depends on my mood

N
- Number of siblings: 13 1/2...still counting. Yay dad...
- Number of piercings: 2
- Number: 8

O
- Overused phrases: lol
- One wish: to be nothing and nowhere
- One phobia: ...nothing comes to mind.

P
- Place you'd like to live: Bristol maybe...a book on heroin addiction romanticized it inh my youth
- Pepsi/Coke: coke
Q
- Quail: heh heh...I miss Doug.
- Questionnaires: depends on the questions.

R
- Reason to cry: existence
- Reality T.V.: so fucking addictive.
- Radio station: lastfm?
- Roll your tongue in a circle?: not with this big metal ball in my mouth

S
- Song: whatever gets me through.
- Shoe size: 10-11 depending on the shoe.
- Sushi: yum
- Skipped school: yep
- Slept outside: had too. I was in love.
- Seen a dead body?: yep. changes you a lil.
- Smoked?: quit. cold turkey.
- Skinny dipped?: yep. great day that was.
- Shower daily?: it's necessary.
- Sing well?: wouldn't know.
- In the shower?: yes. followed by crying and masturbation, then head and shoulders.
- Swear?: too much. working on that.
- Stuffed animals?: fuck you. they're my friends.
- Single/Group dates: I don't date.
- Strawberries/Blueberries: cherries.
- Scientists need to invent: time machines.

T
- Time for bed: when everything hurts.
- Thunderstorms: make me happy and sad at the same time.
- Touch your tongue to your nose?: never could. don't stop me from trying.

U
- Unpredictable: to some.
- Understanding?: I try, and often fail...but I try.

V
- Vegetable you hate: peas
Vegetable you love: spinach
- Vacation spot: phillipines
W
- Weakness: I am my weakness
- Which one of your friends acts the most like you: no one
- Worst weather: Summer heat or Winter's cold rain
- Walk with a book on your head?: tried it the book always fell

X
- X-Rays: turn me on

Y
-Year it is now: 2009
-Yellow: interesting color

Z
- Zoo animal: red pandas. they look like they're plottong.
- Zodiac sign: Capricorn

[link]

mostly cause I'm bored, and online all the f*cking time. my heart hurts alot. My puppy died yesterday. I was gonna bury her at dusk, but I dug up the cable line when I was digging which almost ended really badly. My roomate suggested we stop, and wait to call the city first. (If I had listened to others, Bella's corpse would be in the dupster at some apartments right now, but there's no way in hell I will have her body disgraced in such a way.)

this month blows.
Does anyone know of any place dark and stormy I could move too?

sunlight has become depressing.